Okay, so now that you are single, there are quite a few things you will need to learn to do for yourself that you once had a man for. If you have ever found yourself wondering what to do in a situation like this, well read on because this is the section where you can learn how to do “man’ things for yourself. Don’t be offended if you happen to be the fortunate few that know how to do some of these things…I am actually quite a pro at hooking up electronics and have always been in charge of this “man” job in all of my relationships. So, if you are a pro in a particular area, feel free to leave a comment if you know a better way to do it. Otherwise, read on for a real life lesson in conquering man tasks:
CHANGE A FLAT TIRE:
I’ve had a flat tire a few times and I still have no idea how to do this since I’ve always enlisted a man, so it is about time for me to learn this one…here is a very thorough video:
HOW NOT TO GET RIPPED OFF FOR AUTO REPAIRS:
We all know that auto mechanics try to rip off women, which is why we’ve always sent our men to talk to them. Well, here are a few tips now that you are handling them solo:
1. Read your vehicle’s manual…yes, it is extremely boring, but it could end up saving you a lot of money on oil changes if you follow the manual’s recommended service interval instead of jiffy lube’s recommendations. Also, you will be able to call bullshit when you go in for an oil change and they want you to change some other thingamabob you’ve never heard of because your mileage is 53,337.
2. If you know what the problem is (try taking it to Autozone and flirt with the guy behind the counter to see if they will diagnose your problem); call around for the best service quote before you even drive to the mechanic.
3. If they don’t already ask, make sure to have them check if any of the repairs are covered under your warranty.
4. Never allow any service to be performed before you call around for quotes. Tell them you have to discuss with your “boyfriend” first. I know it’s a pain in the ass because you’d rather not spend all day at the mechanic, but the money saved is well worth it. Then bargain with them like it’s a swap meet. I learned that from my ex. You can almost always argue your way to a better deal. Don’t forget that you can always tell them, whether you’ve researched it or not, that you know of a cheaper price. One caveat: I’ve never actually witnessed this trick working when a woman says this, they may try to call your bluff. Put on a good poker face and see what happens.
5. And, if none of these are working, as in the words of my good friend…just wear a low-cut shirt.
Just remember: they are more scared of you than you are of them… My real suggestion: get the Executioner. It’s also great entertainment.
Now that you’re sans man, you will need to be able to defend yourself from intruders or attackers. My favorite, favorite, thing in the world: take a Krav Maga class. It’s seriously, the best thing ever. Also, keep a baseball bat near your bed. If you want to take it up a step, buy a gun. But don’t shoot your finger off. Seriously.
Here are some real tips from one of my favorite shows as a child (yes, I was paranoid, but I never was kidnapped…):
Stay tuned for more exciting chapters, including:
–hooking up electronics
-fixing a bicycle
-unclogging the drain
-taking out the trash