An EXperiment


Out of the blue, my ex-boyfriend decides to text me. It seems innocent enough on the surface, just a simple hello and hope you’re doing well. But the unspoken effects of this simple communication are massive.

funny-quotes-ex-boyfriends

I’ve been doing really well without you, thank you for asking. That is, as long as you stay out of my life completely I can mourn us, heal and move on. If I can pretend you don’t care at all I can make myself not care either. But the more you contact me during this period, the more you have a hold on me. You know this, it’s the every-once-in-awhile, out of the blue hellos that keep me stuck. A lab rat in a cage, pressing the lever continuously, waiting for my intermittently given reward.

exboyfriend1

So after days of resisting the urge to respond, I finally hit a week day. Not only do I respond, but for some reason, I call you. And as can be expected, it is a dumb decision. Instantly, I remember all the reasons I loved you. And simultaneously, all the reasons I hated you.

Love-birthday-card-message-for-ex-boyfriend

I press the lever and you reward me. Love. You were so caring, you were genuinely concerned about how I’ve been and all my stories.

I press the lever and you shock me. Hate. You told me about your new girlfriend of 3 weeks.

I press the lever and you pet me. Love. You told me you broke up with her because she wasn’t right for you and how you missed me.

I press the lever and you kill me. Hate. You told me stories about her vagina.

lab-rat

I’m not your lab rat.

I feel sick to my stomach, and confused. Love. Hate. Love. Hate. They are so different yet so the same. And because I am stuck in the hate for you I cannot move on from the love for you. Maybe this is why you tell me stories so I can hate you, so that I can still love you. And if I still love you, I can never ever move on.

exboyfriend2

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