“The line between love and hate is a thin one,” they always say. I don’t remember who they are, but it seems like I’ve heard this saying a thousand times in my life. All kinds of seemingly wise people, spouting this phrase as if they have great knowledge about the subject. Yet whenever I find myself balancing that fine line, teetering on the edge, caught up in the vortex of the dance between the opposites sides, I turn around to find one of those wise people, only to find out I am once again balancing the line all alone.
I’ve never really fully understood the paradox of this phrase. It seemed silly to me that people who annoyed me to the point of me wanting them to die were actually people I loved. And on the flip side, people I loved sometimes pissed me off, but I never felt enough anger to actually call it hate.
I’ve always seen and heard stories about the girls and guys who go crazy and kill over the ones that hurt them. And even less drastically than that, the ones who only say things like they wish ill will on those they loved. I have been hurt and upset by exes before, but I never hated them so much that I wanted them gone forever.
That is, until recently. As I watched hate and love take their first tango lesson inside me, I marveled at how beautiful the dance was. Instead of a harsh clash like a boxing match would be, love and hate in the ring together, battling out who would be the champion, it was a marvelous, graceful dance. They were so intertwined I couldn’t tell where love ended and hate began.
And just when I was in the middle of this dance is when I knew I had felt true love, true vulnerability like I never have in my life. For the first time ever I wanted this person to go away, forever. Even though I did not want him to die, I never wanted to see him again so it might as well have been the same thing. But even as I thought this, I also wanted to see him again to yell and scream at him. I wanted to curse him for how much he hurt me, and show him how much I am damaged, and how much I cannot move on. I wanted him to leave me alone, I wanted to scream and claw his eyes out, and yet in this madness I wanted him to hold me tight while I was screaming at him, and whisper in my ear that he loved me.
“I hate & I love.
Perhaps you ask why I do so.
I do not know,
but I feel it
and am in agony.”