As you may already know, I slept with the yoga teacher in my studio. Last week, he killed any hopes of us sleeping together ever again and I have been devastated ever since. I am very hurt, of course, but the other part of it is that I am confused and angry on top of it. He did not tell me this statement lightly so as to spare my feelings. Instead, he was condescending and mean. He said he didn’t want to continue to confuse me. All I wanted were answers and he gave me elusive bullshit that confused me even more. He could no longer see me because he was I was a student.
Acceptable answer, fine. But then he continued that he was not interested in me either. This did not need to be said. Why insult me on top of it when I know that you are clearly interested in me since we already slept together? If you really wanted to break free from me, why throw in something like that?
Before I could even answer, he throws another one on the fire. “Besides, my heart is still in Africa”. Okay, now I’m just extra confused. Why did that need to be said? I wasn’t even protesting the last couple of comments yet.
So of course I had to call him out on that. ‘What exactly does that mean? You’re in love with someone in Africa then, right?”
“Well yes, something like that. She is my Simone de Beauvior”. I am speechless, I don’t even know how to begin to comprehend this statement. I’m sorry but…
#1. What the fuck does that even mean?
#2. How do I keep end up getting myself caught up with guys like this. There must be a certain je nais se quoi I have that attracts the most fucked up weirdos. Or maybe I choose them… I’ll ponder that another time.
#3. What could I possibly say to that? And why is he telling me this?
I tell him something about how holding an ideal of someone that doesn’t exist while denying something real never gets you anywhere. His response? Take a wild guess.
“I know that, which is why I am dating casually.”
Now I’m confused as fuck and without even a good response to this.
All I can think of is that he’s dating casually, but not me. But yet he slept with me. Is sex dating casually and then in that case does that mean he casually dated me also…and then if that’s so then dating casually also means only once. See my point? It’s okay, neither do I. And that’s exactly the point.
Instead of taking out my frustration on him, I spent the rest of the night crying to my best friend and then crying myself to sleep. Out of frustration and hurt, mostly.
The lingering questions I was left with were: if he didn’t want to confuse me anymore, why did he even go into detail about anything. And most importantly, why did he not tell me this immediately after our one night, the first time I tried to reach out to him. Why did he continue to lead me on and then continue to flirt with me at and during yoga. I’m sorry, but that just does not add up to someone who is not interested.
This story has been left unpublished for too long, and I think it’s unfair to go into any other story before putting this one out there. However, since I originally wrote this post, things have shifted in my life and I come back to this post with a somewhat clearer perspective. Looking back, I realize I am slightly ranting and definitely rambling.
But understandably, I am frustrated and hurt…and confused. Now I understand that he is as confused as I am and when that happens, nothing ever makes sense or is explainable. I still don’t know what the “truth” is…but now I am asking myself: do I even know what the truth is? Maybe not. I thought he was the one. Clearly he is not. I thought I was in love with him. Well, I was, but now I feel like I was not. Am I now? I don’t know. And now I have become just as confused as he is.
This does not mean I have forgiven him or forgotten the past. I am still refusing to go to yoga when he is teaching, but that comes from a perspective of self-protection – there is only so much I am physically capable of handling. Him touching my sweaty body during intense, vulnerable physical poses after I was emotionally vulnerable to him is just too much. But in due time, I am sure this too will pass. And if it doesn’t I will be looking for a new yoga studio very soon…