Coming off the tail end of way too many heartbreaks in the last two years, last night I pushed through the last one I had left to crush me. It was inevitable, I was just prolonging the pain and so I dove in. Now I am numb, but at least it’s… actually I don’t know what it is, I am just numb now. But I know it’s something.
I spoke many times before about my yoga teacher. We hooked up once, one magical night, and then both avoided the entire thing for months. I think we just pretended like it never happened, pushing the memory away every time it popped up. I’m not as good about pushing things away as men are, although I am pretty damn good at it for a girl. And so it went on for months, me denying my feelings and memories…and longings.
Last week I ran across photos of my ex, the one that matters the most in all of this love mess, and his new girlfriend. I had a complete train wreck meltdown for days…and then one day it just was. And if I was already this low, I may as well get through the mess of the yoga teacher, the one that exists right now in my life. No matter how painful it may be.
So I did and I confronted him. And he shut down and turned me down. And it hurt like hell and I went numb. I surrendered into the nothingness. I have nothing else to cling on to. My exes broke my heart, cracked it into a million, tiny pieces, and he shattered it last night. Now my heart is nothing but a million tiny pieces on the ground, but somehow I am okay with it. Maybe it’s because I feel numb and nothing right now, or maybe it’s because I know at least I reached the bottom. There is nothing else in the realm of love and relationships that could shatter me any further. The deed is done and now there is nothing.
Love wants to reach out and manhandle us,
Break all our teacup talk of God.
If you had the courage and
Could give the Beloved His choice, some nights,
He would just drag you around the room
By your hair,
Ripping from your grip all those toys in the world
That bring you no joy.
Love sometimes gets tired of speaking sweetly
And wants to rip to shreds
All your erroneous notions of truth
That make you fight within yourself, dear one,
And with others,
Causing the world to weep
On too many fine days.
God wants to manhandle us,
Lock us inside of a tiny room with Himself
And practice His dropkick.
The Beloved sometimes wants
To do us a great favor:
Hold us upside down
And shake all the nonsense out.
But when we hear
He is in such a “playful drunken mood”
Most everyone I know
Quickly packs their bags and hightails it
Out of town.
~ Hafiz ~