The First Step

Girl stepping out of bathtub

The last time I blogged I said something like, “I will continue to blog through my pain, no matter how difficult”, in which I truly believed myself at the time. That night I logged off. And I never logged back on during that pain. I sheepishly logged back in today…and was slammed in the face with this harsh reality.

The last time I said something like that was last year. I said it to the love of my life while I was finally pouring out my heart to him…a year after we were no longer together. The distance made me able to finally see how much I was in love with him…and exactly how much I fucked it all up. I confessed everything to him and vowed I would make him a part of my life, even if it was just to occasionally catch up as friends. The thought of him not being a part of my life in some way, now that I had completely accepted my love was no longer an option. I had broken open and I wanted to stay this way.

During this time, we had many conversations in which I poured my heart out, and he did not reciprocate the feelings and words. At the time, I did not care because I was finally letting out what I needed to say. He bluntly told me he did not want a relationship beyond friendship with me anymore, once, and then twice. The second time stung a little. But I was still okay, like I said, I wanted him in my life no matter what. I told him this time…I wouldn’t let go…

And then one day he finally told me. I should have known but I ignored all the signs and continued to pretend he was still mine. However, he was different than when he was mine. He was emotionally shut down for a reason, and that reason was a girlfriend.

Suddenly, the pain was too great to bear and I shut down and pushed away. Just like when I logged off my computer that night and never came back.

And so I sit with the harsh reality of my failure. And the cross I bear of shutting down when the pain is too great. They say the first step to recovery is admitting your problem, well I guess this is my first step.

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