Several months back I started a journey in which I attempted to break some old habits. Habits that included me having sex with too many people, too soon and too often. And just like a smoker throwing out his pack of cigarettes one day and never look back, I too stopped one day, cold turkey. This was back in August after a romp with one of my former stand-by booty calls. I was ready after this, one more night of meaningless sex that, this time, for the first time in my life, was unsatisfying sex. I realized I was ready to look for something more. I no longer wanted to find love through sex, I wanted to find sex through love. This may seem rudimentary to some people; however, it was not for me. This was my pattern throughout my entire life and I was comfortable and happy with it. I liked sex and that was it. But it was time for me to move on.
I made a vow to myself that night I was going to renew my virginity. Well, at least for awhile. I wanted to go for at least 6 months. I wanted to see if I could go for that long without having sex – something I have never done since I was 15 – and see how it would change me. But I was doubtful I would make it that long so I never announced my time frame, knowing it was destined for failure. Well, even though I never had a formal challenge, something heard my intention and helped me stick to it. I call it the universe, you can call it faeries or the abstinence leprechauns.
Fast forward 5 months later. Everything was going fine until the new year began. With the new year brought in the promise of change, thanks to my magical New Years wishes. And this is when He came into my life.
I’ve heard people say the worst part of breaking a habit such as smoking is the displacement of what to do with their hands. Their hands become comfortable with holding a cigarette, and part of sticking to their commitment to breaking their habit is to find something else to keep their hands busy. Well I’ve never had to quit smoking cigarettes, because I never started, but I do know what this feels like. The hardest part of giving up sex was the displacement of what to do with my body. Luckily, I knew exactly where to put this energy. I have been practicing yoga for years, but I was never consistent with it…until the day I had to give up sex. I started going to yoga like it was my religion. It was intense yoga so by the time I got out every day, my body was too tired to care for sex. Essentially, I had replaced one addiction for another. But a healthier one so I was sure it didn’t matter.
My studio has consistently the same people, and very rarely did a new member join. I was comfortable with the people there, younger women, older men and women and few guys who were either married or I had already decided I was not interested in.
But one day, I was in my own world practicing when I looked up and saw someone new. In an instant, I was in love with him and I knew I was doomed because that feeling is something that doesn’t happen very often. At the end of the practice, the teacher announced this new person’s return. He was an instructor there that had just returned from a 3 month long trip. He had left a few days before I started this studio. This man I was in love with would be touching my body on a regular basis. So the girl who is just trying to make it through 6 months of abstinence, was now doomed for failure. But again, the universe (or whatever you prefer to call it) was on my side.
I was a hopeless mess at first. He was intimately touching my body like no one had ever. He learned every curve of it and all the quirks and limitations no one else ever knew. I began to feel like he knew my body better than I did. His body pressed against mine and I quivered. He stared deep into my eyes and I melted. I could barely contain myself but there was nothing I could do. I never had a moment alone with him. He was nowhere to be found around town or on the internet. I couldn’t rely on my usual tactics of contacting via Facebook. If I wanted him, I was going to have to profess my love in front of a bunch of people I see every single day, in a quiet room, and without alcohol. I was devastated. My body and my mind were going crazy, and even on some days I thought I could build up enough courage to do whatever it took to tell him how I felt. And of course, mysteriously on that day another teacher would help me instead. I was ready to break my oath of abstinence in a heartbeat if he made the move. But again, that damn abstinence leprechaun danced around my feet and laughed at me every time I thought I had the opportunity. I have decided it is no longer the all-knowing, powerful, mystical universe anymore. It is now an annoying leprechaun I can’t get rid of.
A couple of days ago I walked into urgent care and ended up having a minor medical procedure. Everything is fine, I am not trying to get any sympathy. However, because of this, I have not been able to go to yoga every morning. What a cruel twist of fate that was, little leprechaun. Now I am stuck with my aching body, a raging sex drive that is no longer suppressed by constant workouts, and no way to see the one that made me so…hot and bothered.
My 6 months anniversary is on February 9. It is right around the corner and I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it. He woke up my libido and now I can’t get her back to sleep. She is out of control and wants anything she can get it. Little leprechaun may get crushed in her wrath, and I’m just holding on for the ride until I can get her back into yoga and calmed. But by then, it may be too late…