Hours before the countdown that starts off the 2013 new year, I made some resolutions and some wishes. The same tradition as last year, with one major exception that has changed the entire course of the intentions of these wishes.
Every year it’s the same thing. Early in the day New Years Eve I try to reflect on the past year. I make some generic resolutions that seem to the fit the events of the last year, and some wishes of things that I would hope for the next year. The intention for these thoughts are to hold them in my mind as the new year rings in. It never really works out because every year, in order to make the most of the night, I make plans for the hottest party I can get in to. My good intentions get thrown out with the madness of the evening. Getting dressed up, pre-partying, transportation, getting in to the venue, and settling in with a few drinks to take the edge off the overcrowded bar or club scene, crawling with fresh partiers that only 3 nights a year: Cinco De Mayo or St. Pattys, Halloween and tonight, NYE. A few drinks turns into a few more and before I realize it, the countdown is happening and my cheerfulness turns into miserableness as the new year rings in. Maybe it’s my ignored resolutions and wishes tugging at my drunk self or maybe it’s the thought of another year passing by, and once again I am single…and drunk, with no hopes for the new year to turn around.
This year, I knew 2012 was a horrible year and it needed to change. I decided if I wanted drastic change, I would have to first drastically change my New Year’s Eve. I tried to decide what that meant. Going to a party in a different town didn’t seem drastic enough. This year, I needed change everything. That meant no parties, no outfits, and no drinking. No sex and yes, that meant abandoning the traditional midnight kiss Easter Egg Hunt. No kisses this year, only complete and utter devotion to my resolutions and wishes. If I made this sacrifice going into the new year, something was bound to change.
And so, for the first time in my life, I did not drink and I did not kiss on New Year’s Eve. I did not scramble to the lastest LA party and spend tons of money on cabs and admission.
What did I do then? Well that is between me and my wishes. I sat with them. I painted with them, I wrote with them and I sang with them. I attached them on a string to my body and then I burned them in the fire. I listened to the shouts from the house parties as the countdown symbolized the new year descending. The fireworks went off in the sky and I knew right then that this time, it would be different.
I lost my chance to get wasted and to have meaningless sex. Which, by the way, I am not knocking, I was actually suffering for giving up this fun tradition. I did actually feel upset at myself for ruining the entire night of potential fun. But it was bigger than that I knew it.
I am not divulging all of my wishes, but here is one of the big ones. I asked to be able to let go of the past so I can finally move on to the future. I was not even sure what that meant, but I found out in the next few weeks. The next week after New Years, two of my exes dropped off my Facebook. A day later, a huge fight erupted with my ex which ended our friendship forever. Not connecting the dots yet, I started to panik from all the loss…until I realized this was phase 1 of my wish. I was finally letting go of the past. It hurt like hell, but the meaning was worth the pain. Even if I didn’t have phase 2 of my wish yet, phase 1 was enough meaning for me.
And then…a few days later, phase 2 began to emerge.
To be continued…