I have passed the goal and then some. The first time in my entire life I have been celibate for beyond three months. I would like to thank…no one. Honestly, this whole experience has been a roller coaster for me. First I was perfectly content and happy about my celibacy. And then came the horniness. And then came the bitterness. And then came the hurt. And then came the emotional shut down. And here I am.
This emotional shut down developed from my inability to distract myself from my past hurtful experiences with new love interests and sexual experiences. In the beginning, there was complete bliss. I felt better than any of my past experiences, I felt better about myself knowing that I was saving myself from the emotional trauma of feeling used for sex when a guy who seems like he’s interested in me suddenly falls off the face of the earth after sex. I even closed down completely for awhile, not even feeling the desire for sex. I felt great…alive and free.
And then everything hit me one day. I was horny and I wanted to go out and find someone to have sex with, for just one night. If I was holding out for “the one” and he wasn’t showing up even though I was respecting myself now, I could at least have one night of fun, right? Wrong. Whatever it is you believe in, the universe or whatever stepped in and helped me follow through with my original plan. I couldn’t find anyone anywhere to have sex with. What was wrong?
I contemplated the options. Maybe I had raised my standards too much from before and no one seemed good enough. A definite possibility considering how difficult it seemed to find any suitable booty calls. But then there were a few here and there that were amazing. Beautiful and perfect. But nothing happened, even after exchanged numbers. And I asked myself, why did I even let them go that night? In my old pattern of behavior, I would have been in their bed that night.
Definitely some kind of ironic, annoying higher power was at play in this whole mess too. One of the reasons I became so addicted to going out on the weekends was the ever present chance of run-ins. This was one of my favorite things. I always loved the synchronicity of it, I never knew exactly what was going to be thrown at me any given night, and if I happened to run into one of my previous booty calls, it was the perfect way to keep them a booty call without seeming like I cared too much and still getting laid that night. I never had to plan out anything and reach out to any of them. But this time, nothing like that happened. Not one night did I have a run in. Every friend I went out with had some kind of run in most nights, but never me. What are the odds, I wondered.
However, something interesting did happen instead. Every one of those guys I just mentioned that were sexual partner possibilities reminded me of one of my heartbreaks. Which of course, made me attracted to them at first sight through the sea of people at the crowded bar. Without running into the actual people, which used to be some sort of possibility, I ran into their dopplegangers. Them, but not them. Only a little bit of them represented in a different person to remind me how much I miss them.
Instead of pursuing the dopplegangers in attempt to satisfy my sexual cravings, I went home to my bed and cried myself to sleep. For the first time in my life, I was not avoiding my feelings. I was accepting the hurt I felt and facing it instead of hiding. I think this was a good thing, but it changed me.
And then one day I woke up and realized what happened. It was a Sunday after another failed weekend. My chances for getting laid this weekend had passed, and I had spent the rest of my night crying myself to sleep again. I recalled the weekend events. The first night, a guy who reminded me of one of my heartbreaks the moment I walked into the bar tracked me down and clung to me the entire night. He was in awe of me, everything about me. In my previous pattern, I would have without hesitation been in his bed that night. He begged me to make out with him, and he begged me to go home with him. I did neither. I also felt extremely uncomfortable with all the attention he was giving me, as if he were penetrating through my safe zone I had worked so hard to build around me. During a moment alone in the bathroom, I asked myself, what is wrong with me?
The second night I again made direct eye contact with a guy who reminded me of my other big heartbreak of the last year. Again, he saw me and knew I was the one he wanted to talk to. He moved closer in on me and watched me while chatting with other people all night, waiting for an opportunity. I never gave him one. I saw him out of the corner of my eye and I avoided his stares at all costs. He managed to get a few words in at one point in the night, and I politely managed to get out of the situation. I went home that night, without a number and wept. I immediately missed my heartbreak, and I yearned to have sex with this doppleganger. If I had only gotten his number, I could be with him right now, I thought as I was still mourning at 5 in the morning. This time, I was not only sad but I actually felt pain too. Why had I let this opportunity slip by….I didn’t even let him in long enough to even get his name.
When I woke up the following afternoon (since I was up tormented until 6 in the morning) I had a revelation. This entire experience was not only meant to help me respect myself. That was only the first layer. After I peeled that layer away, I realized lurking below that was hurt that I never resolved. Not only never resolved, but actually never let myself feel. Feelings that needed to be felt. Feelings that would only come out with the lack of ability to pre occupy myself with sex and meeting new love interests.
Which brings me to my emotional shut down. When those feelings finally come out, the only thing I can do is shut down. And so it is. And now I think I am done with this whole experiment, but I am emotionally shut down and I don’t know how to find my way out. I am horny and miserable, and no one I meet is able to pull me out of it, even the dopplegangers. I am beginning to feel like there is no hope for me and not even my vibrators can help me any more. It’s been almost 4 months now and my body aches for sex like I’ve only experienced one other time, which led me to cheating and destroying my relationship many years ago. And this time, all my desire is locked up in an emotional vault.
I can’t tell you what the next step in this crazy experience is, but something needs to shake me out of this, and whatever it is, I am preparing for the unexpected.