The Hurdle

woman jumping hurdles

Well, this is what happens when you run the race for real. Out of the blue, someone in your past contacts you. This person is most always someone you dreamed of having sex with for a very long time, and you wonder why now?

This is the story of how that happens. Last weekend, I went out with my girlfriend. A typical bitter man-hating conversation turned into a revelation for me. We were drinking a lot, and talking about horror dating stories. And then, a confession from me escaped. My love, dating, sex and man-bashing was nothing more than fear. I found myself admitting fear of love. In fact, I wasn’t really that bitter and closed off at all, I was terrified. Furthermore, I heard myself admitting what the fear was from. I was terrified of being hurt. After all these years of being in and out of love, having sex, and dating, I had finally met my match in the last few years and it had defeated me. It wasn’t just one incident, it had to be the combo – the one, two, three punch and then kick me when I’m down that made me finally feel it. I am heartbroken and I finally had the guts to admit it.

Feeling defeated, although humbled, the next day a message comes in. Out of the blue he contacts me. The one who I have wanted for so long. But this time, it’s different. I am terrified, and I know it. Before, I would have run over and had sex with him in a heartbeat. But it wouldn’t have been real. It would have been me releasing my fear in a sexual way, in a non-feeling way. No, this time I feel it.

I agree to go over to see him, the message came in a minute after I woke up from an afternoon nap, right before I was about to make plans for the night. it was too synchronistic to avoid, I know better than to mess with that. So I gave in to fate.

Terrified, I go to see him that night. If he hurts me, I am destroyed, but this time I allow myself to feel it. It is a typical date with someone I have known for a long time. Drinking leads to long conversation, leading to us never leaving his house, leading to more drinking and then, of course, fooling around. Even in my drunk, hot and bothered state I knew that this time it was going to be different. We didn’t have sex even though I stayed in his bed all night. The 2nd time this has happened ever, but this time was even harder than the first. This time, I actually liked the guy, in more ways than just sexually. We’ve always had an intense connection, so this time it was harder to say no.

Nothing happened that night, except for some fooling around. Unsure of where this left me in his eyes, I sheepishly left his place. Why did I feel guilty? And why did I feel the urge to run back in and have sex to make it up to him?

In my abstinence marathon, he was a hurdle. I leaped over, but bruised my knee which made me want to leave the track. I kept running, and now the hurdle is behind me. I feel the next one coming soon, and when it does, I will be prepared because now I know how to leap.

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