Running the Race

It’s been hard. Who knew training for the abstinence marathon would be so hard. And I mean that literally. I’ve had no desire to date, kiss or flirt with anyone let alone have sex so I honestly thought it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. But of course, my sexual urges kicked in. The difference between this time and the last time I tried this abstinence thing, is that this time I still have no desire to release my sexual urge onto another person. I have vibrators for that, and I am perfectly content with them. And yes, last time I was using vibrators. I have always used my vibrator in between sexual partners or experiences. But again, this time it’s different. Typically my vibrator would just hold me over until the next time. But now it completes my experience. There are no more fantasies about men. Just a biological sexual urge and then my vibrator takes it away.

Mile 1. Last weekend I went out with my girlfriend. The last time I saw her we were both on a mission to find a man. As usual, men came up to us at the bar. We were sipping wine and having a deep discussion about life. I was polite and responsive to them. But there was no flirting, no joking, and no playing around. Even my typical feistiness had disappeared  Interesting, maybe this was a flirting technique of mine all along. One guy was cute, and he bought me a drink. I felt nothing. We left shortly after, way before closing time, a rarity for us, and made our way to a late night diner to have a private dinner.

Mile 2. I went to an event with another friend of mine. It was one of her work events in a techy field and it was crawling with men. I happily talked with everyone equally, and happily passed up the chance at walking up to the hot guy who kept staring me down from across the room all night. I smiled back at him and then went about my business.

Mile 3. A text from an old prospect. He is someone who I always had a thing for. I used to work in the same company with him, and we flirted and exchanged numbers at one point. We spent a lot of time privately at some of the company parties. We very obviously had a strong connection and got along well, but nothing ever came out of it. He was always kind of shy. I am shy when I’m not drinking, so I never pursued it and he never pushed it. Out of the blue, he texts me. This time, he asks me straight out to hang out with him. I am floored. But, I still feel nothing. Luckily I am at the event with my friend so I tell him I can’t (because of that). I am still faintly aware that I am supposed to be polite and not hurt anyone’s feelings. I remember how to do that at least. I talk to him throughout the night. This time, it’s different again. Before I would have been dying to get home early enough so I could still sneak over to his house late night. The thought of this makes me realize how I was actually perceived to men before, and it makes me sick. I keep the entire conversation respectable. I have not a flirting bone left in my body.

Mile 4. I happen to find out that my ex…THE ex. Is seeing…and in love with someone else. And is thinking about marriage. It is at this mile that I realize something very important. I have not lost the ability to feel love, I have not lost my libido, and I have not lost all of my flirting skills. I am feeling. Maybe for the first time in my entire life I am feeling all of the hurt from all of the heartbreak in the last 3 years. And I am terrified. Terrified to let love in again. I have heard about this feeling before, but I have never, ever experienced it. Now I truly understand what it feels like and am terrified I will never want to feel love again.

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