I decided to go through my archives today and found an old blog post that triggered this blog post. It seems as though in my past, I was actually quite slutty. In my old blog post (Running My Anti-sex Marathon), I talk about trying to abstain from sexual activity….and it doesn’t go over so well. I think I eventually held out for like 2 weeks, tops. This is interesting to me because that blog post happened about a year and a half ago, which doesn’t seem like that much time, but I guess I’ve gone through a hell of a lot of changes since then.
Case in point: I have not had sex for 2 months now, and I have not written a post about it (until now). That is simply because I do not care anymore. It seems like just yesterday that I last had sex and I have no desire to again. Quite a difference from last year’s desperation over not having sex for a few days. In a year I have gone from addict to apathetic. What the hell happened?
In the last few months, there have been a few major events that sparked my apathy towards sex. The first one, major life stress. The second one, my ex booty call (read here). Third, a couple run-ins with exes and new girlfriends (read here and here). Fourth, the power of a non booty call (read here). Fifth, complete closure with two men in my past that really did a number on my heart. Sixth, the realization that those were the two men that I ever felt that strongly about, and no one else really compares. And, until I find someone who does compare, why should I waste my time? And last but not least, a conversation with my roommate that most likely changed my life forever.
Me: It’s been 2 weeks since I last had sex….I can’t stand this! Maybe I should call up one of my booty calls, even though I swore I never wanted to talk to any of them again. (A common conversation in our house)
Her: Why do you feel the need to have sex, when you don’t have anyone you even want to have sex with?
Me: (fumbling for an answer) I don’t know, I try to go without having sex, but then the feeling just consumes me and then I can’t do anything else until I have sex.
Her: What is that feeling like?
Me: (again, struggling to answer) It’s like an urge, I guess. It just comes into my body and then I can’t focus until I get rid of it.
Her: Okay, so what if, instead of feeling like you had to GET RID of this feeling, you KEPT IT instead.
Me: What do you mean? I can’t even imagine what that would look like.
Her: Well, I mean, sexual feelings are energy, and any energy that is yours is precious and valuable…to you. Why are you giving it away or trying to get rid of it when it comes to you?
In an instant, my world is shattered and I get it completely. Why have I been needlessly giving away my precious, wonderful energy to everyone else instead of keeping it for myself? Even though I understand what she is saying, my old pattern is angry with me.
Me: But I want to give it away, because it feels GOOD.
Her: Hm. Does that sound familiar to anything else?
Her: Yeah, it sounds a bit like an addiction to me. And addictions are hard to break. But you know what you want for yourself, and you know keeping this energy will feel better than the addiction, once you get over the first part of getting over the old pattern.
I know this too well. It is time to train for the marathon…this time for real.
This conversation happened about a month and a half ago. What happened since then is for next time…in Training for the Marathon, Rocky Style.