Here’s where it gets interesting.
In the last few months I haven’t gone out that much. Between writing a thesis, graduation and a death in my family, I have been emotionally overwhelmed. So of course, the couple times I happen to go out I am immediately bombarded with ex boyfriend run-ins.
The first one was after a couple of weeks ago. A friend from out of town visited me and I felt obligated to show her a good time. So we went out locally, and within 5 minutes of us walking into the place, my ex waltzes in, and makes direct eye contact from across the bar, too quickly for me to even pretend that I didn’t see him. I naturally hide behind a pillar, and tell my friend all about the situation. I point him out and ask her to figure out if he’s with a girl or not. She scopes it out and informs me he is just with another guy. As I slowly make my way out of my hiding place, he is already there waiting for me.
Before I go on, I have to explain the back story on this guy.
He was the ex that made me stop writing my blog for several months last year. I thought I was in love, so much so I didn’t even want to write the single blog anymore. And then one day, he stopped calling. That was it. I thought he was the nice guy and he pulled the worst douchebag move in the world. I was destroyed and I didn’t even talk about it after that. I wouldn’t even admit to myself how much it hurt. I played it cool, and tried to move on…by sleeping with other guys of course.
This night marks the the second time I have run into this ex randomly at a bar, and he doesn’t even live in my area. I have run into him at the most obscure times, and the last time it was on the other side of town during a friend’s birthday party. As soon as I saw him, all the hidden hurt and shame flooded my entire being. All it took was once glance at him.
We had a huge meltdown fight in front of everyone, and I had to excuse myself from the event early. The bright side was that I actually got everything off my chest that night. He didn’t turn away, no matter what I said, and stared at me directly in the eyes the entire time. He saw the hurt, he felt it with me and held the space for my release. At the time I was too upset to deal with it, but in the weeks after I was able to let go.
Fast forward to my current story. I come out of hiding and and walk straight into him. He is with his roommate, who is now forced onto my friend as my ex and I begin to talk. This time, I am happy with my life, and it is reflected in the way that I talk to him. He is surprised I am so happy, and obsesses on asking me if I am still mad at him. I am not mad anymore, and I tell him so, reassuring him over and over. Clearly, he was getting an ego boost with the thought that I could still be angry with him. It is fine with me, I actually am happy and single at this point, and he can tell.
We talk for hours, meanwhile my friend and his roommate are hitting it off. We are all drinking, and we don’t stop. Eventually we are all wasted. My ex and I are getting closer to eachother, as we begin to talk about things like we used to. He tells me he misses being able to talk with me like we used to, and I know in that moment he is being completely sincere. I begin to miss him, and the alcohol begins to work its magic.
We get kicked out of the bar at closing time and the less drunk lead the more drunk into a cab and on to their house. My friend and her new guy make their way to the bedroom while my ex and I are holding eachother on the couch. I have no intention of sleeping with him, I don’t need that validation…or torture. He tells me he is sorry, and again, I feel how sincere he is. It feels good to be in his arms. And it begins.
He touches me in a way that arouses me out of my single-happiness stupor. I start to make out with him and then he makes his announcement that shatters everything.
He tells me he has to stop because he has a girlfriend now. It feels like a blow to stomach, but I respect it and I push him back. He then pursues me again. And stops himself again. He then goes back and forth several more times until I cut it completely off by telling him it isn’t fair to me. I fall asleep next to him and wake up several hours later in a panic. I sneak out of his house and call a cab to my car. I can’t bear to look at his face again.
If that was the last of the story, I would be relieved. Unfortunately, it isn’t. Because that can never be just it in my ridiculous life. My friend and his roommate start dating. And then they become serious. And now it’s weeks later and they are still together. I get to hear all the stories about my ex’s new girlfriend…how in love they are, how many times a week she is over there, and even that she has moved in a bunch of her stuff.
At first it didn’t bother me. I truly was happy and single just about a month ago. And now, thanks to the ex who loves to prance in and ruin my life, has struck once again. Now I am miserable, and back to square one. Why am I not allowed to be happy and single….is it my eternal curse that I must not only be single, but single and miserable?
And this is only part one.