When I was a little girl I always wanted to create my own board game. I would meticulously draw tile next to tile on a large poster board and sit for hours coming up with move ahead tiles and move backward tiles. My favorite game was always Life, because it always played out the most random possible life outcome for me, contemplating who I would become as an adult. Would I go to college and have loans or start working right away? What would be my career, salary and house? How many kids would I have? Would I have twins? But one thing this game failed to factor in was the question of whether I would get married or not. There was no uncertainty in this, only if I would have kids or not. At a certain point down the path, there was a tile that was marked with a STOP. This means, no matter how much I rolled the die for, even if I overshot my chance to get married, I had to stop here regardless in order to add a blue man to my car.
Okay time out. It’s time for a reality check. Does this ever happen to anyone in real life? You get to a certain life “tile” and everything comes to a screeching halt, no matter what number you rolled, in order for you to choose a mate? Or how about the other STOP tile: buy a house. Yeah, I didn’t think so. But this was my expectation, or for anyone else who played the Game of Life as a child. What we learned was that everything in life is random except when it comes to the time to find a mate or buy a house.
In order to make these childhood board games a little more single-minded PC, I am proposing revisions, and thereby pursuing my childhood dream of creating a board game.
In the Game of Life, the STOP marriage tile will be removed. Also the the STOP house buying tile.Instead, there will be new rules in which:
Every time a 1 is rolled, you fall in love. You then draw from a deck of cards to show you which type of person you fall in love with. There is a guy and a girl separate pile. Unless of course you’re bi, in which case you shuffle the deck together.
Every time a 2 is rolled, you go on a date and you choose another person from the deck. Of course, this will not necessarily be the same person you fell in love with.
Every time a 3 is rolled, you have sex. The first time you roll it, congratulations! you’ve lost your virginity. If you have never gone on a date with that person, they are a booty call. If you never have sex with them again, they are a one night stand.
Every time a 4 or 5 is rolled, your heart is broken. And then a card is chosen from the deck of assholes that shows you which kind of asshole broke your heart.
Every time a 6 is rolled, you move your residence. You then draw from a deck of cards which contains mostly renting situations, but every once in a while there is a card in which you have an opportunity to buy a house. Most of these houses are in the midwest, and a very few number of them are in places like New York City or Los Angeles. If you never roll a 6 in the entire game, you never move out of your parent’s house. Married and children or not.
Oh, and I forgot to mention, the baby tiles are still on the board as usual. Which means, you can have children whether you’re married or not, as per real life. And, if you’re still a virgin and you’ve had a child, congratulations, you’ve just given birth to Jesus.