This is slightly off topic for me, but I have to talk about it because it is extremely influential if you’re a single girl. Or a single guy. Or a human being. Okay it’s become that influential for all of us. And in case you’re wondering before you read on: no, I am not preaching, I am not going to come knocking on your front door, I am not going to ask for your money to save your soul and I am certainly not going to make you repent anything. Now that you’re no longer terrified of where this is going, let me say something that sounds crazy: the devil is alive and has constructed a lair that is called Facebook.
Okay so maybe that’s a little dramatic, but you have to understand where I am coming from. I am trying to be a good, wholesome single girl surviving in the world, but Facebook mocks me and then lures me into sin…
#1. Sloth. I try to go out and be social, or do work when I’m getting paid to work, or clean my house, or do homework or anything else that will get me ahead in this world. But when I can be quasi-social on Facebook for hours a day, why would I ever need to get off my couch except for food and to pee?
#2. Gluttony. Whether it’s consuming too much food because I am sitting on the couch all day, or if it’s nervous eating when I see my ex’s pictures with his new girlfriend, eating too much is almost always involved. In addition to eating, I also use an excess of power with my computer plugged in all day, which I only remember once a month when the power bill comes in the mail.
#3. Pride. Facebook is the perfect outlet to show off everything about my life. I mean why else do I post anything at all publicly on Facebook? I would never go somewhere and then post about what a crappy time I had. I would never post about how badly my life was going in any way, especially when I am still friends with a bunch of exes. So any of my posts end up being boasting, an embellishment on real life that still seem like boasting, or a cry for attention which I would still categorize under pride.
#4. Envy. The most deadliest sin of all for me on Facebook. Since I am friends with exes and current dating interests and potentials, my envy gets fueled, oh maybe no less than about 20 times a day. Whether it’s an ex uploading photos of his new girl who is extremely hot or a girl who I secretly hate uploading photos of her and her hot boyfriend’s vacation, there are plenty of excuses to get envious. Then of course there are those moments when a love interest likes another hot girl’s photo or announcing he will be attending a singles event. Then there are those moments when a love potential has never responded to your text but yet has read 5 entertainment articles and liked a dozen funny meme photos. This one leads me into the next deadly sin…
#5. Wrath. This is what happens when I first become envious from any one of the previously mentioned Facebook actions. I go out of my mind, sitting on my couch, because I am sitting on my couch and they are either having a great life without me or not even doing anything fun but still ignoring me. This is when I want to go crazy ape shit girl on them and send them messages that say: “So you had time to read 5 articles and like 20 photos today, but you didn’t have 2 seconds to text me?!” Or in response to anyone posting photos of their wonderful life: “If your life was so great, why do you have to spend time bragging about it on Facebook? Obviously it’s not so great than or else you would never want to leave it.” Or just the universal status update to all of my Facebook friends: “I hate you, go fuck yourselves.”
So when I get on a rampage I do one of two things, which are the last two deadly sins:
#6. Greed. I rally off the couch and spend my money on new clothes, shoes, makeup and accessories to get all dressed up to go out. I grab a few friends and we spend a bunch of money going to the hottest clubs. We drink in excess and take hundreds of photos. We check in everywhere we go, and post the photos with captions like “Shots!” “Meeting tons of new friends!” or “Just got into the hottest club in town!” Which of course, are all just to create the illusion we are having the best time ever, without whoever it is on Facebook we are trying to prove ourselves to.
#7. Lust. I find someone new on Facebook to lust after. A friend of a friend, some hot guy in one of their photos, or some random guy I friended at a club one night who starts to look not so bad. Which then leads to my amendment to the seven deadly sins:
#8. Stalking. This of course is not one of the original deadly sins, but it should be just as deadly. I mean, who really cares if eat too much or lust after some hot guy on Facebook? But what happens when I go out of my mind stalking him and it becomes an obsession. Stalking is scary shit, and not just in a funny haha way. But also deadly to myself, like when I choose to sit on the couch all day and stalk every single action of my ex or love interest. Driving myself crazy over-analyzing every post someone makes on their wall and how it might be relevant to me or spending hours clicking on photos of every girl that happens to be friends with them. If there is a God (let’s not turn this silliness into a debate) I am sure he would be so proud of me…
So as long as Facebook rules, God help us all.