It is that moment that everyone dreads: you find out your ex has moved on and you have not. However you have discovered this: running into them in public, Facebook, him rubbing it in your face, a friend, you show up at his house and she is just leaving, you are hanging out at his house and you find used condom wrappers (true story)….it is always the same effect. You are devastated, and you have no one to console and distract you from this cold, hard fact.
Knowing this all too well from personal experience, I have come up with a list of do’s and dont’s when faced when it is your time to face this scenario.
1. Scream and throw a tantrum to your best girl friends about all the things he promised you and what a horrible person he is.
2. If you bump into them, give them dirty looks and say CLEVER snarky comments that make it seem like you don’t care. “Oh I didn’t recognize that was you, you don’t seem like your usual joyful self, how are you.. (to the girl: Oh! I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there, you somehow blended right into the background, nice to meet you!”
4. Get wasted…with other people.
5. Stalk them -with a date or friend -at restaurants and make it seem like a coincidence you all showed up at the same place.
6. If able, stalk “her” on Facebook and compare her worst photo to your best photo.
7. Get reassurance from only your best friends that you are indeed prettier than her.
8. Write a nasty and sarcastic letter to them and mass email it to all your friends.
9. Tear off the head of him in all the photos you have and replace it with a monkey butt.
1. Blast him non-stop with ranting texts about his broken promises, your plans for marriage and kids, and his betrayal, especially while she is with him: being a crazy girl gets around way too fast.
2. If you bump into them, go off on a tangent about how they will have ugly kids and how bad he is in bed: you will look bitter and she will want him more because of the obsessive competition.
3. Call up a booty call or other ex boyfriend and sleep with them: this will make you realize you are really, truly alone after they blow you off the next day.
4. Get wasted alone. (called being an alcoholic)
5. Stalk them in the window of a restaurant, behind a potted plant, or at his house unless you are curious how restraining orders work.
6. Again, stalk her at her home, track her down through friends or through her work, get all the dirt on her from everywhere in hopes to find yourself far superior to her in every way.
7. Create an online poll determining who is prettier.
8. Accidentally CC them on your revenge letter.
9. Make a voodoo doll of him, rip off his head and replace it with a monkey butt: unless you like dealing with the repercussion of dark magic.
When all else fails, go buy yourself a jumbo jar of Nutella. Unless you’re allergic to nuts at which point I’d say you’re pretty much screwed.
If you have any horror stories about running into exes, feel free to vent them in the comments. Believe me, I know how horrible this feels. Mostly everyone has to deal with it, and all we can do is find an entertaining way to cope.