My friends and I are not usually the type for revenge….except when there is alcohol involved. And even then, this revenge is only dished out to the most deserving douchebags.
We serve dishes to douchebags that fall off the face of the earth and may as well be part of a Gotye song. And dishes to those that are womanizers and admitted to juggling 3 or 4 women while dating us or our friends.
Most of the time this consists of us exchanging phone numbers and sending a fake random late night booty call text to the other person’s guy. Sometimes, but rarely, hilarity ensues. But, that’s the best we can do drunk at 1am and are looking for closure.
And how about those that are the most deserving? Those that have cut us the deepest? Well those guys rarely get the revenge they deserve…but it always puts us in a good mood to entertain the fantasy of a cold dish of revenge.
For example, here is a mean apology from my friend to one of her exes who, after she poured her heart out to him, he sent her the lamest, blandest response in the history of man. This apology letter was never sent, but hilarious all the same.
Dear [insert EX’s name here],
I would apologize for my delay in response, but as I have responded sooner than you did to my email I didn’t feel an apology was necessary. Would you mind telling me where you downloaded this apology draft? I just spent the better half of my morning searching Windows Help online but I couldn’t find anything that closely resembled the letter you sent. I tried search words like “half ass apology” and “apologies for 3rd graders to send their teachers that are more grown up than writing I’m sorry 100 times”. Unfortunately, neither of these search cues uncovered the sincere apology you sent me. I just know it would be a really useful tool to use whenever I have to apologize on behalf of my boss being late for an event. However I’m not a big fan of the “all the best” I prefer “kind regards” as it’s a little more polite and has a tiny bit of heart to it.
Of course, there are no hard feelings. I even consulted my CGI Magic 8 ball and asked it if there were any hard feeling in my unconscious. It first said “ask again later” so I went to lunch with my coworker came back and asked it again to get a reassuring “as if”. I went on to ask if you would have stopped acting so feminine anytime we hooked up and it said “Don’t count on it” I think it’s a credible source of information so I’m going with it.
On a side note, I hope it hasn’t been weird that I’m hanging out with [your friend] and been dating one of his friends. I’ve tried avoiding some of his events I thought you might go to because I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable seeing me with someone else so soon after.
[girl who needs to vent]