Haven’t we all heard the annoying saying: don’t worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea. While this may be true, what this saying fails to address is the fact that we are all looking for the same fish, so the odds are a lot worse than what this saying may suggest.
The truth is that women are women and men are men. (like from Venus and Mars, yes) We think completely differently and expect the other sex to think the same way as us. So all of my girlfriends and I are all looking for the same type of men, whether we have different tastes in physical appearances or not.
Us girls relate and create bonds by talking, feeling and empathizing, and we always think we want a relationship to prove we are being loved back. So after years of dating douchebags, we all get to the same stage of dating one day. For me, one day I woke up and announced that I would date douchebags no more. I was only going to be dating guys that I had a connection with, that felt the same way about me and that were relationship-minded. I joined the ranks of my other friends who had already come to this conclusion, and felt pity for the rest of my friends who had not yet. I set forth with my brand new perspective, certain that it would change my dating world forever.
I begin my new mission very methodically. I interview other single girls, girls in relationships, and guys. I analyzed my entire dating history according to who I felt most connected with and why, how I ended up in the relationships I was in and why they ended. I experimented by talking to lots of guys and seeing which types of guys I felt more connected to than others. Yes, I know I sound a bit like I’m auditioning to be a dating guru, but don’t worry, it gets better.
This is what I found out: us girls are all vying for the exact same fish because our rigid list of “this is what it looks like when he loves me” is the same for all of us. That is because we are female and we all think the same way! Haha, kind of. But we do go off the same basic principles when it comes to love and dating.
To prove my point, here is the list:
1. I feel an instant connection with him when I can easily talk with him, and the conversation goes smoothly. I am able to quickly determine if we have the same interests, thoughts, plans, wishes, etc. when I connect to him in this way.
2. If he likes me, he will show me right away, without any bullshit. He will call me right away, plan a date, and everything should go that smoothly.
3. If he likes me, he will continue to call and keep in contact. I understand he may be busy, but if he really likes me he will make the time to call or text every so often (the time frame is different for every girl).
4. If he really likes me, he will treat me well. In other words, he will send me flowers, write me letters and emails, and tell me I look pretty all the time.
5. If he really likes me, he will prove it. That is, he will be there whenever I want him to be, he will never say anything mean or that will upset me, he will put me before everyone else and he will beg for me over and over if I reject him.
6. If he really likes me, he will want a relationship with me with will lead to marriage and children.
Here is the problem:
1. Girls: why do you think there are so many pick-up artists out there that prey on this simple fact. Socially adept men get more women than socially awkward men. That’s it. It has nothing to do with looks, and d-bag pick-up artists will say this over and over. They will teach men how to win over women within the first few moments of the conversation. That is because we are foolishly basing our entire connection and potential relationship on the first few moments of conversation because that is how we learned how to build and assess connections with other people. Stop it. You are only ever going to find smooth talking pick-up artists, lawyers, politicians and sales men. Remember when you were in elementary school and that boy across your table showed you he liked you by shyly looking at you every chance he could and then blushed and choked up when you tried to talk to him? Well that was love. Also, remember the other kid who pulled your hair on the playground? He loved you too. That’s just what boys do.
2. Things in life never go this smoothly. Even our best friends and family are flaky. So why do we expect this reliability from a guy we just met? He is busy too, things come up, he’s not sure how long to wait to call or text you, etc. Give him and yourself a break. A date will happen. And if it doesn’t, move on.
3. First of all, the time frame is different for everyone. Some girls want a call or text every other or third day, some are fine with once or twice a week, others can go a week or more. Well, the time frame is different for guys too. Secondly, people are actually extremely busy these days so give people the benefit of the doubt when they say they are busy and haven’t had time. Most importantly, read this slowly: guys do not have the same wiring as us. Us girls feel the need to have contact with the people we love all the time. We crave this constant connection, attention and assurance that we are loved. We measure this in communication. No communication may not lead to a favorable relationship, but it surely doesn’t mean he doesn’t like or love you. He’s just retarded about knowing how/when and how much communication is necessary.
4. Okay some guys are just not this mushy. Demand this type of affection on Valentines Day and your birthday but if it doesn’t happen any other day of the year or without you mentioning it, again, not a sign he doesn’t love you. Just because your girlfriend got flowers because her and her boyfriend had a fight or ‘just because he loves her so much’, it does not mean you need the same. It also doesn’t mean her boyfriend loves her more than yours loves you.
5. Too many times I have seen this happen. A girl will not be interested in someone, but he showers her with endless affection, attention and basically begs her every single day until she caves in. She finds herself caught in a relationship with him or married to him, and continues to claim that this is how you can tell someone really loves you: they never give up. I don’t know about everyone else, but this just does not sound romantic to me. It sounds like being a prisoner and slowly growing feelings for your captor because there is nothing else. Maybe I’m wrong, but I can’t find the romance in it. I would much rather it be a two-way street. You both are in love, and you go back and forth begging and then pulling back until one day you realize you can’t live without eachother. Isn’t that how it happens in the movies? Also, guys are human too. They are allowed to make mistakes by saying something mean or doing something wrong. As long as you work through it and he sincerely apologizes, then give it a chance.
6. Again, guys do not think the same way as girls. If you find a guy who is desperately wanting to jump into a relationship with you, it may actually be a bad sign. I’ve known of a few guys like this. They are relationship guys, and they have the life. Most every single girl wants a relationship and most guys do not. (granted we’re all under 40-ish) So when these relationship guys come along, every girl wants him. He is insecure and needs a relationship all of the time, so he quickly and easily falls in love and in and out of relationships. We all want him until we realize we are not special. He wants the idea of a relationship more than he wants any particular girl. Although he is very convincing of his love to you and only you.
In conclusion, here are the fish we are all vying for:
1. The smooth-talker who is looking to close the sale
2. The aggressive date planner who has all the free time in the world to plan dates according to your schedule
3. The insecure OCD texter/caller who reveals everything about himself via phone…nonstop
4. The overly affectionate, eager to please guy who has watched way too many romantic movies and has a VIP card at the local florist
5. The stalker
6. The relationship guy!
Just remember, take all of this with a grain of salt. I am not telling you to let yourself get mis-treated by men, or anyone. If a man is mean to you over and over, for example, leave him! If a man never calls you back, then he is not interested, stop obsessing and move on. If he calls you twice a year at 10pm, it is a booty call. That’s it. Take it or leave it. All I am trying to do is make women understand that men are people too, with their own issues we shouldn’t judge so harshly according to our own rules. They have their own set of rules and it is not the same as ours. Girls learned how to be girls, boys learned how to be boys and it is not the same thing. Girls, it’s time to learn a new set of rules that allows for differences.