My friend recently heard this doozy of an excuse: “I’m sorry I can’t come over because I just remembered I have to get up early to take a group of 20 children to the Natural History Museum”. No lie. He actually texted this to her. First of all, if you’re making up excuses, don’t “just remember” anything. Secondly, if you’re making up excuses, don’t go into too much detail. Short and ambiguous is better. The fact is that people over explain and ramble when they are lying and we all know that.
Girls, we’ve all heard the boring line: I’ve got to get up early, I’ve got work to do. But from a personal survey of men I know, it’s a unanimous vote that guys will give up sleep no matter what when they really want to get laid. An revision to this rule I’ve found to be true: a guy will give up sleep for sex when he knows he can get it another night more convenient. So, for example, a guy who is dating a girl will give up sex for sleep when he knows he can get sex the next night.
So, my question is, why are we lying? Why can’t we just come out and say I don’t really want to see you tonight…or ever again? We instead choose to dodge the other person for days, weeks, months until they forget about us. Wouldn’t it save us all a bunch of time if we just told the truth?
I will admit, I have never been the best example of this. But I prefer to stick with the ambiguous: I have a friend’s birthday tonight. This is a perfect excuse if it’s every once in awhile, but you’ll have to have a backup in case they are ballsy enough to ask you out 2 nights in a row. My friend swears by the line: I’m busy (that night). She explains that it keeps the mystery of whether you’re interested or not. However, she is also one of those girls who has been called a bitch way more than the average.
I once had a guy tell me he had to get up early to watch a golf game on television. Yes, that’s right. I was offering him sex and he chose to watch golf on t.v. To this day, I still believe he is gay. So unless you want to be perceived as gay, stick to the football or basketball sporting event excuses.
If you need to come up with some new excuses, here are a few of my favorites from a genius list (1):
I’m converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
I’m sandblasting my oven.
I want to spend more time with my blender.
I’m enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
I’m going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
My gerbil is getting married.
I don’t know why I love this one so much, but I just do: The monsters haven’t turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
Anyways, you get the idea. Check out the other hilarious ones to keep you cracking up for hours.