Finding real love in the ashes


It is hard to find love. You get so caught up in the minutia of everything about dating that you forget to feel. What is love? Have you ever really, truly loved? These are questions that preoccupy my mind a lot lately. Guys you think you could love come and go, and the impression they left were ephemeral. But then…the indelible impression of that one, or those few. You can’t seem to shake them. That is the turmoil I am stuck in right now. I have more than one yet I don’t know why. I can busy myself with the thoughts of one of them if I feel the hurt of another. But it makes me wonder, is this really love?

There are only a few of these guys that left that indelible impression on me, and I knew it the moment I saw them. Kind of like the love at first sight thing, however, the love part never fully blossomed into a relationship of any relevance. But, their impression persists. Did they get under my skin somehow? Did they trigger something in me that reminded me of someone else? Do I need to work out some issues with them? Are they just really personable and a joy to be around? All of these are valid thoughts, but I was never able to sort them all out to reveal the answer to my question: was my love real?

And then one day I had a revelation. It was the end of the shittiest week ever. I was broken and beaten down. I had nothing left to give. I was in pain…deep, profound pain. I longed for someone. Out of habit, I called my ex. This should quench my urge to feel comforted by someone. As soon as he picked up the phone, I knew he was not the one. By the time I hung up, I felt worse.

And then the impressions of my loves bubbled to the surface. I focused on one of them, but everything in my being wanted nothing to do with him. That was odd, because all week all I was doing in my conscious life was obsessing about him. And then, out of nowhere, one rose to the top. He was the one, the one I was looking for. The one that made me feel comforted by even just a thought of him. My heart, body and entire being ached for him. But, ironically, I did not have the urge to contact him, at least not in that moment. Another day I will deal with the minutia. For now, I wanted the part of him that belonged to my soul and that was enough.  This was real. This was my love. And this is what made me believe that true love exists.

 

All my little plans and schemes
Lost like some forgotten dream
Seems like all I really was doing
Was waiting for you

Just like little girls and boys
Playing with their little toys
Seems like all they really were doing
Was waiting for you

Don’t need to be alone
No need to be alone

It’s real love
It’s real, yes it’s real love
It’s real

From this moment on I know
Exactly where my life will go
Seems that all I really was doing
Was waiting for love

Don’t need to be afraid
No need to be afraid

It’s real love
It’s real, yes it’s real love
It’s real

Thought I’d been in love before,
But in my heart I wanted more
Seems like all I really was doing
Was waiting for you

Don’t need to be alone
No need to be alone

It’s real love
Yes it’s real, yes it’s real love
It’s real, yes it’s real love…


~John Lennon

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