What happens when…
You are a single girl and a series of events occur that lead to the big scare. This is the story of my life the last couple of weeks.
I met someone who is scary. Those once in a blue moon type of people who makes you feel like you are alive. Like you’ve been asleep all of your life and then suddenly you’ve woken up. You feel completely, 100% comfortable in your own skin and with them. And believe me, I am a bitter, sarcastic, cynical person most of the time so when I say this about someone, it is a big deal.
So of course, I slept him him. And of course, caught up in the moment of feeling alive, we did something stupid.
Now for the past week I have been terrified of the what if. The big, scary what if. That is, yes….what if I’m actually pregnant. I’ve been with this guy three times. Now…what if. The thought sits rattling around in my head all day. I feel sick to my stomach, my body feels weird and I am panicking at every sensation. I have stopped drinking and started taking my vitamins. And yet still I cannot bring myself to take a test.
Why? This is the question all of my girlfriends are asking me. The answer is that I am terrified. I am terrified that I am pregnant and my entire life could change. I am terrified of being the single mother with a baby from a one night stand. I am terrified of the unknown and all that comes along with being a mother. Yet I am terrified of not being pregnant. My body is freaking out, so if I’m not pregnant what is really going on. I am scared of not being pregnant and having to go back to my normal life. I am terrified of not being pregnant and having to go back to being single and drinking and finding regular guys to sleep with. I am terrified of losing the guy that made me feel like I woke up from life.
I am scared of going back to sleep in my regular life but I’m scared of my life changing forever. So I sit here, day after day…in the unknown, waiting for something to shout out the answer for me.
To be continued…