I am very confused. I remember sitting in my college calculus classes having this same feeling. How did I get so lost? Everything made sense at the beginning of the problem, and somewhere, about half way down the white board I completely lost it.
This is how I feel most of the time about dating: it is a really long, confusing calculus problem that no one ever really understands, they just pretend they know what’s going on and somehow a few people get to the end of the problem with the right solution. The rest of us, well, we are just fumbling around looking for the right solutions….for a really, really long time.
Basic dating math
I’ve talked to many guys about the numbers they give to women. It is not as simple as we would expect, guys don’t rate on a beauty factor alone. I hear this conversation from guys all the time:
“She would have been a 9 or 10, but she is such a bitch, it makes her a 6”
This statement makes me assume guys hate it when girls are bitches. This was a game-changing insight for me because my natural tendency is to be a “bitch”. I am sarcastic, cynical and have a biting sense of humor. So now every time I meet someone I might actually be interested in, I suppress this part of my personality for fear I will drive the guy I like away. But in the end, the guy I like stops talking to me regardless of whether I zipped up my bitchiness or not.
The Dating Calculus Problem
This is the math conundrum I have been struggling with in the last week. Two recent experiences have made me reconsider if all guys secretly want the bitch to emerge….which seems counter-intuitive when trying to figure out how to get the end result: a relationship.
Here is my mathematical evidence:
Proof #1. At a bar a guy and his friend hit on me and my friend the other night. I am having a deep conversation with my friend about her recent break up so I am actually extremely annoyed when they interrupt us. I immediately know I am not interested. I am PMS-ing having issues with a guy I am currently dating so in this moment I cannot even force myself to be polite. I become the raging bitch I always try to suppress in these situations. I use all my usual techniques. He asks me interrogative questions about myself: I answer coldly and without looking at him. He asks me questions about my education and work: I try to intimidate him by telling him we wouldn’t understand anyways. He finishes asking questions and just stares at me: I say nothing. He says, thanks for asking…I own a gym and proceeds to tell me about his proud accomplishment: I tell him I hate gyms and think they are the downfall of America. We get in a huge argument over it and he will not give up. I ask myself, why is he not walking away at this point? At the same time my friend is having a ball, laughing it up with this guy’s friend. I look over at her for help only to realize it is us they are laughing at. They tell us they are trying to figure out what we are arguing about. We tell them and they burst out into laughter. At this point, I am very annoyed. His friend tells the guy they should leave and he then grabs my phone from my hand and calls his own phone, with me attempting to grab it back. I feel defeated and he looks at me with a sparkle in his eye. It is at this point I realized he is turned on and it is driving him crazy. After they finally leave, my friend tells me they were laughing it up about us fighting because as soon as she told him I have a natural tendency to be a bitch, he told her that his friend loves that challenge. The bigger the bitch, the more he wants them. So, I was defeated by my own bitchiness and this guy got the bitch he wanted out of me.
Proof #2. Around the same time as the previous incident, I had been casually dating a guy I really liked. We were communicating via text sporadically in the interim days of us seeing each other. He was one of those guys that seems like the “nice” guy. He was so attentive and seemed really genuine. He told me up front he was not good with communicating via phone or texting, and I gave him credit for calling it out up front. However, what I didn’t anticipate at the time was the fact that it would be used as an excuse to NEVER respond to my texts unless most likely when he was bored and home alone. I gave him the benefit of the doubt in the beginning, but I started to get annoyed when I was trying to figure out what my weekend was going to look like and he wasn’t making any plans with me. So I finally asked him directly what was up for plans, and he responded several hours later very aloofly. At this point I had enough. I turned the table and regained my power with my next text…brining out the power of the bitch. This time he responded more quickly than he had all week and asked a follow up question that I never answered. I went out with my girlfriends and then he responded again about my non response. I smiled because I had regained power and fell back into my natural tendency as a bitch. Now, he’s dying to make plans with me. But this time I have changed. My bitch has come out with him and the relationship can only go two different ways: I can use him as a booty call or I can keep being a bitch via phone, but I will have to stop seeing him. And the fact that I had a lot of feelings for him in the beginning means the booty call option is not smart. You can’t have strong feelings and be the bitch at the same time.
So this leaves me deflated and confused. Ready? Here comes the really complicated part of the problem when the teacher is scribbling really fast and you were lost three lines ago:
=>I can’t have the guy I want and be nice. I can’t be a bitch and have the guy I want. Guys complain about girls being bitches yet ignore me when I’m not a bitch. If I’m trying really, really hard to be a bitch I can’t scare off a guy no matter what I say. I can’t be nice in the beginning to get a guy and then be a bitch and have a relationship with a guy.
Therefore I think I am left with this:
=>if I can’t attract a guy by being nice and I can’t form a relationship by being a bitch…then it logically follows that I must: be just enough of a bitch to attract a guy I like and then quickly switch over to nice as soon as there is any sign of a relationship.
It’s seems logical, but does it work it self out in real life?