Pushing the Limits


Guys love to push the limits. They are taught this from early childhood. They are encouraged to ask questions, to understand how things work by breaking and fixing them, that they can get what they want by force and persuasion. They are taught to push their own limits by playing sports harder, faster and longer than they want to or may even be capable of. They push the limits and then move on.

Girls, on the other hand, are taught to be obedient, to listen intently and to put others’ needs before their own wants, and sometimes even their own needs. They learn that patience is a virtue and to go with the flow instead of trying to upset the balance.

These, of course, are stereotypes and everyone varies quite a bit. However, underlying all of this variance is the tendency to conform to these stereotypes. We struggle so hard to try to keep a mask on that covers up or minimizes this variance, but it is a futile battle because this is what our brain wants when life gets difficult to interpret. We try to fight them, but biologically speaking stereotypes, natural inclinations and tendencies serve an important function. When life gives us situations that are difficult to interpret we are overwhelmed and don’t know how to proceed, we have a no-fail way of dealing with these situations…in our patterns of being male and female. Men will push harder, women will sit back, listen carefully for the signs, and wait…forever.

I bring this up because I believe it has relevance in the world of dating and relationships. Anyone can date for the sake of dating and play the game, use a technique you learned from a book, or say the “right” things according your friends coaching you along the way. There is no rawness in this situation, so it’s easy to stay in control.

However, it is a completely different situation when you date with rawness. When you find this person that invokes rawness, suddenly you lose control. Everything becomes cloudy, the answers are not easily found, and you can’t just apply the same formula as before. Your brain doesn’t know what to do and you then fall back into your stereotype. You are purely female and he is purely male.

He pushes the limits of sex and you give him over everything. Once he pushes as far as he can possibly go with sex, he has fallen over his edge and doesn’t want to come back; it is too cloudy, scary and confusing. You sit patiently and wait for him, not able to ask any questions or get angry for fear of upsetting the balance. But he is never coming back because he, the male, never learned how to. And you, the female, never learned how to ask him to.

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