My anti-Valentine’s Day rant continues…
Before I begin, can I just remind all you couples that TODAY IS NOT VALENTINE’S DAY. Why are you already flaunting your flowers and shite on Facebook? Stop it. Just stop it. All us single people already have to endure weeks of pink and red lovey-dovey heart landmines at the local pharmacy and grocery stores. We don’t need an entire extra day of it. Seriously.
And now for the rest of the survival guide for a complete Anti-Valentine’s Day extravaganza tomorrow.
Fun Alternatives to Valentine’s Day
WARNING: This is about to get really…really…immature.
1. For all your friends who think that it’s funny to continually harass you about not being such a downer on Valentine’s Day:
Try an old-fashioned fake turd in the most elaborate Valentine’s Day gift wrapping you can find. This has a double-whammy effect: your friends are disgusted and get the message, and you can release your extreme hatred for Valentine’s Day by defiling the pink and red hearts and love paraphernalia.
2. Create Anti-Valentines. And, if you have the guts, send them to the people you hate most. Mainly, the people who made you so miserable on this lovely holiday in the first place: your exes.
Or…send BitterSweet hearts. Dysfunctional candy hearts for the rest of us.
3. Get together a group of your single friends and come up with the most biting, sarcastic and jaded conversational heart phrases you can think of. It’s kind of like all those caustic comebacks you use against the douchiest bar pick up lines. Then, pack up those candies or sayings and bring them to a bar tomorrow night and hand them out to only the most deserving douchebags.
4. Create a list of all your horrible exes, dates, and admirers. Then tell the funniest campfire stories with all your single friends. Remind yourself WHY IT IS BETTER TO BE SINGLE THAN WITH THEM.
5. Last resort: find the best looking guy in the bar and well…get your Valentine’s one-night stand freak on.
6. Entertain yourself. (my favorite option) Who really needs a man anyways when you have batteries?
A Tribute to All of My A-Hole Coupled Friends
Overall, don’t forget how wonderful it is to be single! No pressure about what to do, no other person to compromise with, no waiting around, no competition with other dumb couples, no keeping up with the Jones, no awkward moments, no fighting….no stress and carefree living the entire night! (If you see a cute guy, you get to flirt with him, guilt free!) You go girl, love your single self tonight!!