The Crush Crushes

Big surprise. The crush crushes. And God, I want him so bad. Why? Because I’m lonely and I’ve driven everyone else away? Because I can’t have him? Or am I actually in love?

So, the devil on my shoulder says to me, I should just do what I’ve done notoriously in the last year. Distract and entertain myself with other guys. However… #1. The point of my experiment for the last few weeks was to extract my life of these distractions so I can put myself in a vulnerable place and as a result figure out what I really want. And #2. I don’t want anyone else right now. Crap, does that really mean I’m in love?

Either way it doesn’t matter because he’s projecting the coolness I’ve given to him for the last 8 months. A taste of my own medicine. Yes, I deserve it. But I am so damn lonely I can barely stand it. And I don’t like waiting for things. It’s killing me. How much longer, really? And if it’s never meant to be, why aren’t you telling me right now instead of leading me on?

But yes, like I said, I do deserve this. And I must force myself to sit with the discomfort and uncertainty because that is the only way I can experience true vulnerability. And only vulnerability will lead to a long-lasting, deep connection. Or a devastating let-down. Fuck. Back to my Adele record.

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