Loving the loneliness

So my celibacy sprint is over and my loneliness experiment is over. No sex for 2 weeks… and counting. Yes that’s right, no celebratory fuck and none lined up. In addition, thanks to my experiment, I’ve had no one over to my house and been over to no one’s house for over a week. I mean, this is a big deal for me. I am not a loner type of person. I prefer to do everything with someone else. I even prefer to read and write in the presence of someone else.

And how do I feel about this? Well at first, it was devastatingly lonely. Of course, that is the point. But I mean, it was to the point where I couldn’t stand it, anxiety and all. And then…the breakthrough came.

I was sitting at home one night reading my book and eating… in complete silence. I realized I had nothing to do and no pressure from anyone else because everyone knew I was off limits. It was lonely, and then it was completely… liberating. I only had myself to answer to, I didn’t have the pressure of juggling my schedule around to please everyone else. I only had myself to please.

And then something else happened. I realized I have been trying so hard to please everyone else that I forgot to please myself. If I wanted to do something for myself like yoga, it usually was crushed in between my schedule around everyone else. Which ultimately forced me to run around like a mad woman all the time. I was always rushing to the next thing that was planned for me after my busy day of work. Even important chores like laundry and cleaning my car were done while spending time with someone. I was doubling up on everything.

This last week I decided to put myself and everything I want and need to do first. I went to yoga almost every day. I took a nap every night right after work. After I did what I needed to do for myself, I then scheduled things with my friends.

And then the second realization. I was actually a better friend for it. The time spent with my friends was quality time. I paid attention to them more, and didn’t seem like as much of a frazzled nutcase.

And as for the time I have spent with myself… I look forward to it every single day. I can’t wait to come home and read my book, watch TV, do yoga, or just take a nap before the craziness of the night ensues.

I stopped feeling depressed when there is nothing to do than just be by myself at night. When someone cancels a date with me, I no longer stress out for fear of spending the evening alone. And since I no longer stress about alone time, I no longer get upset and take it personally when a friend or date cancels. My friendships are better and my relationship with guys are progressing a lot smoother than ever before.

The key is to not get sucked back into the madness now that my experiment is over. Will having sex again change my perspective? What about when I start to feel serious about someone I am dating? Only time will tell how strong I can be.

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