Romantic = Clingy?


In the movies and in romantic love songs there is always this….imaginary guy. The one that I never thought existed. The one that was an urban legend to me.

He is the guy who is romantic, emotional, touchy-feely…mushy. The one who falls in love with a girl. Hopelessly in love, and his entire life revolves around making her his girlfriend and making her happy. A few of my friends told me about this guy, but I had never, ever met one for myself. I always wondered what I was doing wrong. Why couldn’t I have that guy who wanted to spend the entire weekend with me? The one who was romantic, and let me know he was thinking about me 40 times a day. The one who let me know right up front that he wanted me, and one one else, for the rest of his life. The guy who wanted to cuddle me all night long, even if it meant he wasn’t getting sex.

Well, that all changed the other day. This guy, I clearly found out, is not an urban legend. He is just few and far between, especially in LA. It was great to feel this kind of attention, the loving adoration of every single thing I did and said. The gentle kisses, and touches, and loving words. Just old fashioned romance that I had been missing all of these years. No more wham bam, thank you maam. He was in love with me.

It was beautiful, like my own romance movie….until the movie extended to the next day. And he wouldn’t leave. He didn’t let me sleep all night, and now he was all over me. I was cranky, hungry, and I wanted to get on with my day. I began to cringe at every cuddle and kiss, and was aching to get out. I was suffocating. I told him to leave, and he began to whine. He already couldn’t imagine life without me.

Eventually, I almost dragged him out, on my way out of the house. I had to find some place to go because he wasn’t going to leave if I continued to stay in the house. As soon as he left, I took a deep breath of the fresh air of freedom.

As I stood there, watching his car pull away, I wondered if there was something wrong with me. Isn’t this what every woman wants? Wasn’t he the ideal, romantic man? Movies and songs all pointed to yes. I always fantasized about this type of man while listening to my favorite songs…the heartbroken, emotional, open-hearted man who can’t live without his love. Why couldn’t I handle it in real life?

Is this just an idealized fantasy that women have that equates to extreme clinginess in real life? Or is it something that only I can’t deal with?

8 thoughts on “Romantic = Clingy?

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention Romantic = Clingy? « -- Topsy.com

  2. Romantic doesn’t mean clingy, this guy was both. They’re not mutually inclusive.

    He was ignoring your signs that you wanted space, that you wanted him to go. It’s not romance he’s lacking, true. But he is clingy and doesn’t get the warning signs you gave him.

    You felt suffocated and he didn’t get it and got whiny.

    There are romantic guys out there, who are not clingy. You can find one of them, trust me.

    • Thanks for your insight. I just never had a guy who was overly romantic or clingy, probably the way I used to pick men. I’m trying a different approach and ended up with this one.
      I’m glad to hear an overly romantic guy does not have to be clingy as well. He kept saying, I’m just romantic and passionate. Guess he was wrong. He is just clingy.

  3. Hiya. I’m one of those “romantic, clingy” guys…I’d go so far as to add in “needy” too. I’ve always been like that, get into a relationship and all of a sudden the girl becomes my world. I think I’m being romantic, thinking about her all day, everyday. Sending texts to show I’m thinking of her. But you’ve come to the right conclusion, this isn’t romantic. It’s unhealthy. My marriage failed in good part because of that. I couldn’t let go. I also ruined my first relationship after my wife because of that. It hurt like a bitch (and I am still feeling it), but our suffering is our teacher.

    I’ve come to accept that this is addictive behaviour. I could get all psychoanalytic about this (and I have), but in the end I really believe that learning how to love oneself is the way to break the addiction, for men and women. I can certainly relate to this guy you were with and feel for the pain he must go through, but it’s about him…and it sounds like he needs to come to grips with it. Anyway…I touched on this in this post I wrote: http://confrontinglove.com/2011/02/24/what-would-happen-if-we-didnt-date/

    Take care.

    • Hey, thanks for some alternative perspective on this. I always like to know where people are coming from so I can understand them better.
      I kind of thought this was unhealthy behavior, so I am glad to hear you confirm this. At least I know it’s not just me being creeped out by affection.
      Believe me, I really need to know what is healthy and what’s not because every relationship I’ve had up to this point has not involved clinginess. At all. More like super aloof.
      So I’m turning over a new leaf, I just need to learn this side of the leaf now.

      • no this is bullshit. this guy wasnt clingy at all. the problem is YOU. you are simply not used to actually knowing how to give love and receive it, most likely because you dont know what it means to be giving to someone else but your selfish self. you are selfish. you arent ready to be in a relationship. you said yourself you shared an extremely intimate evening and then youre all ready to ditch the guy and run off and do your thing. i hate to break it to you and 100000 other women, love is not some movie fantasy that you can have at your convenience. you wanted the movie and the fantasy not the guy, and you werent willing to give love in return the way someone does when they actually like someone else other than themselves. if this guy had been some crush you were drooling over for years, i can promise you would not let the guy out the door the next day and bitching for him to stay with you a little longer, etc whatever.

        9/10 times girls whine about guys being too clingy. the fact of the matter is 9/10 times the girl isnt interested in the guy, only some bs fantasy and period of “lovely feelings” that some guy has to dole out ad nauseum when its convenient for them. when girls like the guy, or some crappy bad boy, they are even more clingy that this kind of guy and theyre always obsessing about the guy and asking him to not leave, bringing him presents, making him food, blahlbalha.

        there is also something called “communication” which you lack and therefore makes you not only selfish, but classless. which is like most women. they are too chicken shit to tell a guy what they want and expect him to read their minds. you could have just sat him down and said, look, i need to start my day and go to work but ill be thinking about you today. but no you didnt do that. because you dont really like the guy, just the BS fantasy he represented at the moment. because you dont know what it means to like someone else other than yourself.

      • Wow, it sounds like you are coming from personal experience here. I am allowing you to vent here, and I will not judge you for calling me names because I can tell you really needed to get that off your chest!
        I think you are correct, if this guy was super hot, I would not have let him out of my sight. However, from my experience, really, really hot guys are not this clingy because they get love everywhere they go. They don’t need to cling to me all day to get that. I think the problem lies in the fact that he did not get this anywhere else, and I was letting him take it from me. Again, you are correct. I had major communication issues with him. I felt so guilty that I was literally paralyzed about telling him to leave. Maybe it’s my religious upbringing, who knows. But the fact is that he took advantage of the situation because I am sure he felt just as uncomfortable as I did. And again, I let him. So we were both at fault, and again another perfect example of ignoring your true feelings. Something I clearly need to work on.

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